Saturday July 19, 2008
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My Brother Is Angry About Our Dad Dying
About a year ago my dad passed away. Since then my relationship with my brother went down the drain. We used to be really close, but now he smokes pot, does poorly in school, insults me on every possible occasion, and yells at my mom. My mom is under a lot of pressure and my brother is making it worse. I want to help but I don't know how.
—Mary, 16
Your family has suffered a great loss, and you are all still in the process of adjusting to the death of your father in different ways. Your brother is reacting to his grief by cutting himself off from the people he loves — instead, he is turning to drugs and is working on wrecking his relationships with you and your mom. Even though it may seem like it, he's not doing this out of hatred towards you or your mom. When he insults you he is really showing his anger at himself and at your father for dying. That may not make sense to you, but frequently people become angry with the deceased person for dying and leaving everyone else behind. They can also feel an overwhelming guilt, which sometimes leads to anger, thinking that the person's death was somehow their fault.
The good news is that you did have a good relationship with your brother before, and it is not completely lost. But in order for all three of you to work though this rough time, you might want to talk to your mom about all of you seeing a therapist together. Getting your brother to join you will be difficult. Try talking to him when you know he is more likely to pay attention, and explain to him that you miss him and are worried about him. Ask him if he misses spending time with you and if he really believes the things he says when he insults you. Don't give up if the first time you approach him he reacts the way he has been, by being rude and distant. Give him some space to think about the idea of going to counseling. Maybe he would be willing to go if it was just the two of you, or if he went alone, or maybe he would even like the opportunity to talk to your mother without you around.
Another thing to keep in mind is that siblings do separate a little as they get older. Your brother may be getting to the point in his life where spending time with his friends is the most important thing to him. This doesn't mean he should be allowed to insult you or to wreck his own life, but that might be another factor of his apparent withdrawal from you and your mom.
— Kate Forest, MSW
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