My parents refuse to give my new boyfriend a chance! I've been with him for four months, but my mom and dad are still upset that I broke up with my last boyfriend — they really liked him. I've told my parents that I hate the way they treat my new guy and they need to move on, but they won't listen. What should I do to make them understand that my new guy and I are together and plan on staying together for a long time, and there is no chance that I'm getting back with my ex?
— Veronica, 16, MS
Believe it or not, there is good news here. The fact that your parents liked one of your boyfriends is a start. Plenty of parents dislike all of the guys their daughters bring home, just because they don't want their daughters dating in the first place. You may want to ask your parents what it was that they liked so much about your last boyfriend. Was he more social with them? Did he like to participate in some family activities?
Parents tend to feel more comfortable when they are well acquainted with the friends their children hang out with. This goes for all friends. Maybe you could ask if you can bring your boyfriend to a family outing or over for dinner so they can get to know your new guy. Another thing to try is to find out what specifically they don't like about your current boyfriend. If they have some misconceptions, then you and he can clear them up for them. Would your boyfriend be willing to sit down and talk with them? Also, you may want to check out some of their objections with friends or other adults you trust. Maybe they see something about this guy that worries them and they're concerned.
You mention that you and your boyfriend are planning on being together for a long time. Have you told your parents that you two intend on getting married, or are making some other really permanent commitment? If so, this could be the reason for your parents' reaction to him. It's hard to see things from your parents' perspective, but they may feel that you're too young to make a long-term commitment. Maybe it would help if you assured them that, although you don't envision ever breaking up, you aren't about to head down the aisle just yet, either. If you show that you understand their concerns, it may lessen their fears.
Whatever you decide to say to your parents, don't start out by arguing. Treat it like a business meeting. Have some notes written out of things you want to say to them and questions you want to ask. If they say something you don't like, try to keep calm. You can disagree with them while still seeing their point of view. Ultimately, you may need to agree to disagree and find a way to have a relationship with your parents despite your disagreement about your boyfriend.
— Kate Forest, MSW
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