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My longtime boyfriend broke up with me a couple months ago, and I was devastated. I'm talking couldn't-get-out-of-bed-complete-loss-of-appetite-anything-I-managed-to-eat-came-back-up-anyway-because-I-was-crying-so-hard devastated.
Recently, I told my close friend that I thought I was over my ex. Two days later, they started dating! They've been friends with each other as long as I've been friends with either of them, so they did have a relationship before, but it wasn't romantic. My friend is playing this off like it's no big deal, but I'm really upset again. I truly believe I am over my ex — I know that he was great when we were together, but he's just not the guy I need to be with at this time in my life. Yet, somehow, this doesn't feel okay for me. He was my boyfriend. My first real boyfriend, my first kiss. He was my everything. My ex hasn't spoken to me in a month, even though we still see each other (along with my friend) twice a week at church and youth group. With my ex being so cold and my friend not thinking anything is wrong, it kills me to be around either of them. I can't just stop going to my church! How do I get through this?
Thanks, ym.
—Courtney, 16, Chicago, IL
Your situation is really tough, and it's understandable that you are upset. Your friend knew that you were crushed by the breakup and that it took you time, and a lot of effort, to get past things and move on. Good for you, by the way, for having the strength and inner confidence to do just that! Now that she's going out with him, it's only natural to have all those feelings brought back up. It's not surprising that you feel betrayed.
If we were to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, we'd say she was a bit clueless and that she should have come to you first before doing anything with your ex. Or, maybe on some level she's a bit competitive with you and this is her way of trying to build up her own ego? You sound like a smart, together, caring and cool girl, so there's plenty there to envy. But that doesn't make it right. Either way, what she did was not okay.
Your ex probably feels weird about what is going on and not sure how to handle it, but from the sound of your e-mail, you're more hurt by your friend's actions than by his, which makes sense. You and he were over, but you and she weren't — you were still close and you didn't expect her to do something to you that would cause you distress.
Now what? Well, maybe you can try talking to her. Just tell her what you said here, that you are over your ex but that you had a history with him and it hurt your feelings that she started dating him, particularly without talking to you first. Be aware that she may behave as if it's no big deal, or she might accuse you of overreacting, but that is not your concern. It's your right to express your feelings to her, ideally in a calm and respectful way. You'll feel better getting that off your chest, even if she doesn't understand where you're coming from (or pretends not to because she knows she pulled something uncool).
Hopefully, with time, seeing them together at church won't be as painful. You'll make other friends and meet new guys, and it will just hurt less and less, we promise. Hang in there, and know that you have every right to feel bad right now.
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