Help, I really don't want to be dating my boyfriend anymore, but I am nervous to tell him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. And I'm worried because we're friends with the same people. What if everyone is mad at me for dumping him?
— Anonymous
First of all, you should never stay in a relationship to please other people — the guy, your friends, even your parents. Romantic relationships are meant to be fulfilling and provide fun, support, and closeness. They are not for popularity, or for the convenience of others. Whatever your reasons for wanting to end the relationship, you need to follow through. As for hurting the guy's feelings, you're right: He will probably feel hurt. There is no way around it, rejection sucks. But there are ways of breaking up that show respect for the other person, and can make this a little less painful for him.
Tell him in person, when you are alone and sure not to be interrupted. A phone call, an e-mail, or a note conveys the message that you don't care how he feels, or even that you don't think he's worthy of being treated decently.
Be straightforward. Don't beat around the bush or use euphemisms. Say the words "I want to break up," or words that are equally plain. Otherwise, you'll just confuse him.
Don't expect to be friends with him, at least right away. He may be hurt, embarrassed, shocked, even angry. So he probably won't want to hang out with you and all your friends immediately. Not only that, but you may need some time to yourself, too. If you both decide you want to try to stay friends, fine — just make sure that he doesn't think it means you'll be getting back together.
Which brings us to mutual friends. Your true friends will understand you and your needs and should not be angry with you. Some people may have been closer to your boyfriend than to you; they may want to support him when he is down by not seeing you as much. Let them. Give everyone some time, and the ones who are your friends will stay friends with you. And remember: A romantic relationship is only one part of your social life. You should have a few friends outside of your boyfriend's circle — if you don't, maybe you should try to make some. You should also have other interests and hobbies — that's important in order to have healthy romantic relationships, as well as healthy friendships, in the future.
—Kate Forest, MSW
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