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I have a huge problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years. However, my dad doesn't like him. Not because he's a bad guy or anything like that; my dad knows he treats me really well. I guess my dad just doesn't want to let go of me, so he refuses to accept him.
My boyfriend wants to have a good relationship with my parents, but every time he even says hi to him, my dad ignores him and just pretends like he's not even there. My dad even did this to my boyfriend's family at our prom show-off. They tried saying hi and he blew them off.
So, with this going on for years, my boyfriend doesn't come to my house anymore. My parents say that my boyfriend isn't stepping up and being a man. They say that "no matter what a guy has to go through, it shouldn't stop him from coming to your house and seeing you like a decent girl deserves." But the reason we always see each other somewhere else is because my dad makes him feel like crap. I've tried to talk to my dad, but he's not the type to have conversations like this. Now my mom is telling me that I have to force my boyfriend to come over or else nothing is ever going to be okay. Who's right in this situation and who's in the wrong, and what can I do about it?
—Marie, NY, 19
This sounds like a very difficult situation. You love your parents and you love your boyfriend, and you hate to let either of them down. But it certainly sounds like your boyfriend has done nothing wrong. He tried to be friendly to your father, and once it was made clear that your parents were not going to be nice to him (or even civil, for that matter), he decided to stop putting himself in a situation where he was treated shabbily. You can't really blame him. If the situation were reversed, you probably wouldn't love spending time at his mom and dad's place if they were going to ignore you and even snub your own parents!
That said, are you sure there is no other reason for your father's intense dislike of your guy? Are they that mistaken in their impression of him? The only way to find the root cause of all this is to sit down and talk to them. While your dad may not be the type to engage in conversations like this, you need to try again. It's not right for your parents to insist that your boyfriend come over and then not acknowledge his presence. Maybe if you really explain what a great guy he is and that he treats you well, they will listen. You can also stress that you care about him and that bringing him over just so he can be treated rudely is not something you want to do. If your parents want to be pleasant toward him, ask if you can have a sit-down dinner together where you can discuss the issues. Your parents will get their thoughts out in the open, and your guy will be giving them another chance. If they refuse, then it doesn't seem fair to put your significant other in an awkward situation by having him come over. Perhaps, as a compromise, you could ask your boyfriend to come over and pick you up at the door. He can test the waters by saying hello and your parents will probably be pleased to see him doing what they want. However, if you are worried about the outcome and don't want to put him in that situation, that's understandable.
Hopefully by letting them know the pain and hurt they're causing, they will be able to learn to respect you and the people you spend time with. Overall, we have to side with your boyfriend on this one. Unless your parents change their ways, he has every right to avoid them. We wish you all the best in this rough situation!
—Andrea Pyros
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